(written in bed on Sun April 11th)

On Tuesday I was given the news that I have MS.  For years I was told I may, then nope negative for it. In and out the hospital I prayed for answers. Glad to have one as crazy as it sounds. Numb to the reality of it.  I am told it may be like that for a while.  Looking back, it explains a lot of “episodes”.  For the past year I battled with extreme fatigue and pain. No rhyme or reason for it.  One doctor said it may just pass.  I have thought for a long time something wasn’t right. But when the time came, it still felt like a lead brick in my stomach.  My neurologist picked up the paper (it was slid under the door for him), his face dropped. I tried not to read too much into it. He left the room for about 5 minutes. When he came back, he told me.  So many things, emotions, thoughts, all at once. A diagnosis? For me? WOW!  That means a path for dealing with it. Praise God! I had read about the disease so much. But being diagnosed; now what?

We discussed second opinions vs. treatments to slow the progression down.  I told him I needed to pray about it and talk with my husband. Needed to digest it all.

I left in a daze.  My first call was to my husband. He was ending his work day. I told him the spinal tap was very positive for MS. IgG present, index high, etc.  He said he’d be right home. I told him not to rush, I hadn’t left the parking lot yet. I got home, turned on the computer. I think that is when I called my mom to tell her.  Again, this wasn’t a surprise to anyone. Just not what you want to hear.

Go back 1 month. I woke up with numb left arm. Then my left face. When I tried to make my daughter breakfast, I could feel my left leg.  I told my parents once my husband and daughter went to church, to take me to the hospital.  I was a stroke alert. Possible TIA. Questionable MS.  Admitted for tests. God Bless my friends/neighbors. They got my daughter from school, did lunch played with her, etc. No one had to miss school or work. The PRN discharged me actually saying I didn’t really have to do the spinal tap! It couldn’t be done in the hospital because as a stroke possibility I was put on aspirin. Needed to be off that for 4-5 days. I remember telling her I knew a few girls with MS, and was advised by many to get the tap to help rule (in)out MS.  I had feeling back, but for my face which around my cheek is still numbish (like Novocaine wearing off, you just start to feel a little bit). The weakness in my leg was still there. I used a cane for a week.  So many prayer requests went out.

Back to post diagnosis. Sent out mass email to family. Called my Grandmom. She was shaken a little. Friends shocked. All offering to do what I need help with.  Problem is, I have no idea! Don’t know fully what I feel or need. Won’t know, I guess, until things happen. Need to learn what actually having MS feels like. Learn my limitations.

Met up with my friend Tracy who has had MS for 6 years. Good to bounce things off o her. A big thing lately has been my memory. Word recall is very bad. Frustrating. She reminds me it all part of the disease.

Ever since the last “episode” my word recall and memory have been bad. Pain and fatigue have dramatically increased. last night and this morning my facial numbness spread into or around my left eye. No vision problems, just numbish.

Just beginning this journey. Trusting in God and his plan. May He be glorified. We never understand his plans. Only trust in them and Him.

 I rest now instead of going to church. Today is Lexi’s first soccer game. Need to pace myself. Want to go see week 2 of the Canvas series at church tonight.