Guilt

When I was younger, I thought “disabled” people were sullen and miserable. Because how can someone like “that” be happy? Now that I am one of “THEM”, I find many reasons to push passed the things that, if focused on soley, would make me miserable.

I often wonder what others think. “If she can’t work and has that many issues with her health, why would she go to the shore? Or kickboxing class? Or a party?” Not that anyone has said those things, but again I think back to the younger me.

Let me tell you some days it is hard to get out of bed. Or make a meal. Or walk, talk, think, or any number of other normal things. But I push myself everyday to be able to do “normal” things if even for a little while. Then I rest. A LOT! I have to nap at least 6 days a week just to get thru the rest of the day.

I have found myself feeling guilty. Guilty that I let myself have fun. It sounds strange doesn’t it? ALL people should be able to have fun, go out, even if it is only for a little bit. Not to worry what others think, hard as that may be. But I do. I feel guilty when for an hour I meet a friend for coffee while my husband is busting his butt at work. Or that I am going to an exercise class while my mom goes to take care of my sick grandmother. Things I should be able to do sometimes still make me feel that way. Almost like I feel guilty for living instead of wallowing in my disease. It doesn’t make sense, but then again feelings don’t always have logic.

I wonder if others feel guilty that I have MS, fibromyalgia that causes pain, gait problems, cognitive problems, etc. They shouldn’t. I hope they don’t. To be healthy is a blessing. Sometimes being unhealthy is a blessing too. It makes one appreciate all the little things.

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